Knockin' On Heaven's Door

Désolé pour vous causer la douleur. Comme je suis en larmes

2006-01-12T14:40:00.000+08:00

Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love
I wish you love, love, love, love, love
I wish you love

I wish you love - Rod Stewart.

This will be my last entry. Nothing last .. Even the best will end.

I wish you love
A tiny blip in you life
A foresaken love
That was never meant to be

Angel that went silent
And left a mark in my life
Angel once danced with me
And left a mark in my memories

I wish u love
From the clouds above
From the bottom of the sea
The gentle breeze

For i am undeserved
For i am unmerited
For i am fear
For i am lost

I wish you love
My angel
My love
My baby
My girl

Goodbye love

Goodbye my friends.. Thank you.

A bottle and a glass

2006-01-10T11:51:00.000+08:00

A night out consist of a bottle of Heineken and a glass of red wine. A respite for the day. Would love to get more alcohol into my body but the craving isn’t there anymore.

When I woke up this morning, the only thing I m craving for is a cigarette. Normally, I don’t crave for cigarettes in the morning but then i craved for it lately. I don’t know why. I guess I am not sleeping well with all those dreams I am having. Tears and pain.

And I think I am going hiatus for a while. I am not sure how long. Maybe I will start a new blog somewhere. I guess this will be my last entry for a while. This blog has been a great companion to me. A space where I vent my feelings (of course not all) but there are loads of stuffs I couldn’t bear myself writing it anymore. I love this blog. I wouldn’t completely shut it down. Maybe I will update it once a while. But I will be writing somewhere.

Thank you for reading my blog. Appreciate it very much. For I am undeserved.

Amour, si vous lisez ceci, je suis sincèrement désolé. Je vous aimerai toujours avec mon coeur. Larmes ou rire. Je vous souhaite l'amour quand les flocons de neige tombent. Pour je suis immérité.

Have a good year ahead my friends and a blessed life.

7th August 2004

2006-01-09T17:19:00.001+08:00

I still remember clearly the first day we met. You were wearing a polka dot pink blouse. With a three quarter jean and a rather humongous black bag. And wearing a Paul Frank’s watch. You look rather hippy and cute that day. Your sweet smile captures my heart instantly.

That day is where it all begins. A beautifully written chapter in my life was about to begin yet was badly shatter by me.

7th August 2004: A date that will always be close to my heart.

We laugh. We cry
We love. We don’t
We fight. We make up
We hurt. We healed
We are us. You and I
We forgive. But not forget
We understand. We don’t
The Ying. The Yang
Eternity? We will never know
I love you always.

Currently Playing : I Wish You Love – Rod Stewart.

The Angel Once Danced

2006-01-09T15:41:00.000+08:00

I am feeling very numb today. Maybe is the weather, maybe is the holidays season or maybe I am just not looking forward to another day. Maybe

It had been a roller coaster ride for the past one and the half year. Something that I won’t regret going thru again expects a few things. A few things I did that will always be a scar in my heart. Remarks that were made that mutated into war of words. Hurtful remarks were hurl. Hurtful action was done. War of words prove and show our imperfections. The ying and yang

Words can’t describe how I felt now.

The angel that once danced in front me has gone silent
The wings of blissfulness is gone
The dreams that was once shared is being incarcerated
The passion was gone.
Hearts was broken
Time will not heal all wound
For I am undeserved

"When the cherryblossom colors flutter,
I’m aloneStanding exhausted, I can’t cut off these feelings bottled up inside"

Have a good day my friends

Currently Playing : Sakurairo Maukoro - Mika Nakashima

I am tired

2005-09-09T17:02:00.000+08:00

You know how when you still care and love that someone, minor things still hurt you like hell. I am just so tired

I am tired of everything, my work and personal. I never did really write about my work and family life, but trust me, it suck. I am so tired if life…I m just so tired.

I tried my best in everything, but I m tired of trying anymore.

A friend of mine asked me the other day, “It had been almost a year now, why? “

Coz I gave my heart away a year ago and never took it back was my answer

Have a nice weekend my friends

Currently Playing : The Rainbow Connection - Sarah McLachlan

Happy Birthday Malaysia!

2005-09-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. Been pretty busy doing nothing lately… lalalla
Anyway haven’t been reading any blogs for ages until recently. But this particular post caught my attention yesterday night. Yeah I know I m so outdated but so what? :P

No matter how fuck up is the public transportation
No matter how fuck up is Petaling Street
No matter how fuck up is the food court
No matter how fuck up is the system

No matter how imperfect Malaysia is, Malaysia and especially Kuala Lumpur is where I called home. My home sweet home. . It's home

And to this fella who apologize on behalf of KL-ians

Please, fuck off. Thank you.

Now I am being very nice with stating Please and Thank you.

Happy Belated Birthday, Malaysia!! : D

Currently Playing : Everytime We Say Goodbye - Rod Stewart

Why I Gave Up

2005-08-13T22:50:00.000+08:00

Sorry, I don’t believe in relationship anymore. I know this is a strong statement… Maybe it will be more appropriate to say I gave up on relationship anymore.

I see the person I love and still love her very much got hurt. I see my friends got hurt. I see my ex-girlfriends got hurt. And I see myself got hurt.

I know relationship and falling in love is wonderful. The feeling of being love and giving your love. It is a fairytales come true when we fall in love with the one who you thought you will spend the rest of your life with. I was once in that position.

But we fell out of love too. I gave up. I am tired. I am tired going thru the process of recovering, the process of locking your wonderful memories away. I am tired of crying at nights. I am tired of those painful things I do. I am tired of life……….

But most of all I don’t want to see the person I love getting hurt …. I know love is a wonderful thing but in relationship there are always chances of getting hurt or hurting your the other half.

I just don’t want to see the person I love getting hurt again, thus I gave up on relationship. I don’t know how long this will last but I reckon it will be long.

And hey, this has nothing to do with anyone…. Is just me….my heart, my life, my love..
Sorry

I know this is a pretty lame excuse... but then so what ... sue me? It is me...

Currently Playing : God Only Knows – The Beach Boys

Why?

2005-07-31T19:55:00.000+08:00

Why do we fight? We do we insist of fighting, clinging on even though w know there is not even a slightest hope. Why?

Why do we continue to hurt on even though we know there is no end to it?

Why do we cling on when there is no hope at all?

Are we afraid? What are we afraid of?
We’ve already lost that wonderful someone. What are we afraid of anymore?

Are we afraid of losing dreams?
There is no our dreams anymore. Just memories. What dreams?

Why then? We all know the answer why. I know why.
Sorry

Good night my friends.

Oh yar, i am back from Singapore.. : ) and i m so broke... SD150 on 6 cds...

Currently Playing : gymnopedie – myleene klass

Ps: Anyone traveling? I am out of Davidoff Lights!!!! Arrghhh..I need to restock : P

A chapter

2005-07-26T18:37:00.000+08:00

Will time heal all wound? Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Regardless, there will be scars whether we like it or not. Scars that will stay. Scars that you hope it will never stay.

You wanted to move on, but on the other hand you feel heavy hearted to move on. Ironic isn’t it. A new chapter in your life is to begin. Life is like a book, where there is a new chapter in your life and a closure of a previous chapter. As life, you felt heavy hearted to leave the previous chapter behind no matter how much it is hurting you.

A chapter so wonderful, when you close the chapter, it doesn’t seem right and you want to continue hurting on. Ironic? Yes. You felt you let yourself down.

Dreams was shatter
Hearts was hurt
Tears was shed

But do you really hope for recovery and move on? I doubt so……….

“In a relationship, you bring the best out of the person and vice-versa and fulfil our dreams "

I am sorry

Cheers mate

2005-07-21T17:05:00.000+08:00

Why the negativity my friend?

We walk, we sprint, once in a while we fall but we rise higher.

We love, we fall out of love, but we care forever

We cry, we laugh, and the bond grew stronger

We fight, we curse but friendship is for eternity

And I’ll always stand by your side no matter what

Cheers mate.

Learn

2005-07-20T12:50:00.000+08:00

Growing up is painful isn’t it? You learn and I guess we’ll never stop learning from the day we were born.

We learn as we crawl, walk, jog and finally run in life. We learn form past mistake, families, friends, colleague and etc etc

But do we really learn and not repeat the same mistake? Human has been making the same mistake all over again and I am no different.

As you grow up so does your responsibility, You’re expected to be independent, wise in decision making, be more pro-active. I am learning everyday and is a very painful experience i must say.

Why do people expect so much from you? Why? I am just a normal human being trying to stay afloat, trying to be normal as possible. I came across people telling me I am weird, crazy, which I don’t mind or have anything against it. As we grow up or as our responsibility grew we forgot the little child once reside in all of us.

We forgot who we are. Yes, I understand we have greater role to play and we need to be responsible as we grow up but then, which laws stated that we can’t have fun anymore.

I miss having fun. I don’t remember the last time I enjoy myself. Yes I do go out with my friends, families and have fun but then , when is the last time you really enjoy yourself and not occupied by thoughts. Just pure fun. I miss those days.

You learn because you love

You learn because you care

You learn because you want

You learn because ..............

Bah, I don’t know what am I writing about, doesn’t make any sense hor. : D

Currently Playing: BK Love – MC Sniper.

Why do we fight?

2005-07-07T16:36:00.000+08:00

Why do you fight? Why do we fight? Why do people fight? Why is war every where?

Do you fight because you are soldiers?

Do you fight because of different ideology?

Do you fight because of power?

Do you fight because of medals?

Do you fight because you were told to fight?

Do you fight because you want to fight?

Or do you fight because you have no choice

And you fight because you want to protect the one you love?

Iraq, Sudan, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Israel, Haiti,

Bah, I am bullshitting ... just bored.. Ta

Picture taken from : english . pladaily . com . cn

Stop

2005-06-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

Don't Cry..........

Piano

2005-06-27T23:38:00.000+08:00

In the evening as always, she will start playing
Gentle melodies fill the air
So is laughter and joy
He and she sitting side by side

She was his life
His inspiration
He was her life
Her bliss

The once love is gone
Silent melodies fill the air
Silent memories fill the room
Only emptiness and emptiness

Good night my friends...

Currently Playing : Canon in D

ps : As requested by her , here is another pic. Chill yar...cool down..pity the poor crabs and poor you . : D . Oh, she "force" me to come out with a poem, which i cant barely bring myself to read it , but then again ..what the heck...

Good night

2005-06-27T02:20:00.000+08:00

I miss Aunt Flo

Good night my friends

Currently Playing : Be Thou My Vision - The Anjali Quartet

Sorry

2005-06-25T15:30:00.000+08:00

One of my favourite picture

There is nothing much I want to write about. Feeling very melancholic lately. Guess I am used to it. I am tired putting up fake faces in front of my colleagues, friends and etc. I am tired of faking smiles and being happy. (Sorry)

I am sorry. Sometime I just don’t feel like talking but your colleagues and friends and family for that matter, doesn’t seems to get that hint. And worse I can’t ignore them. That’s why I’m never at home during the weekends. I will be in some café, smoking my lungs out, drowning myself with caffeine and damage my brain by doing some reading.

I just want to lock myself out from the rest of the world. Lock myself out. Is that possible?

I am sorry for faking, Can’t let them worry about me. They care for me as much as I care for them. These are my problems, thus my own to solve it. Sorry for being so stubborn. I am sorry….

Guess life goes on. “Life is beautiful no matter how crap things are" from someone.
I miss her loads.

Currently Playing : The Way You Look Tonight – The North Star Jazz Ensemble

Is a pleasure

2005-06-24T10:56:00.000+08:00

"I also met my neighbour from the office I work - he works in the office opposite of the one I am working in. We are basically working side by side for about 3 years (well, actually is one years plus ) without much then a hello every now and then.
Pissing side by side in the urinals, shuffling the feet on the ground. And blogging made it possible to meet". taken from him

Couldn't have put it in a better way. Nice to have met and talked to you at PPS bash. Is a pleasure..

Cool pic of the urinals....hehehehhehee ..Ladies and gentlemen,this is where i peeeee during office hour...hahahhahahah

Currently Playing : There for me - Josh Groban

Happy 2nd Birthday PPS

2005-06-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

Happy 2nd Birthday PPS !!!

Was there to accompany cyber-red . Had Fun.
Hehehe..My cousin was there too.. didn't manage to get his blog address, but i will try ...heheheheheheheh.probably i won't be able to dig his super secretive url add..hhmm..maybe i should give CIA or FBI a call.....

Good night my friends

Currently Playing : The Look of Love - Diana Krall

Amuse me

2005-06-22T00:43:00.000+08:00

amuse me says: amuse me
amuse me says: amuse me says amuse me
amuse me says: ehhh cute
amuse me says: amuse me says: amuse me says amuse me..muhahhahahaha
cyber-red says: SOT (crazy)

As requested by cyber-red. Hahahhaaha...My futile conversation on MSN with her… Jeeezzz I m so so so bored. I guess I belong to the office. : D. I can hear my friends saying "SIAO" (crazy)

Currently Playing : Gymnopédie No 1

Sleep, sleep and more sex!

2005-06-20T01:26:00.000+08:00

This got to be one of the most fulfilling weekends I ever had. The theme for Saturday and Sunday is tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa “Sleep” . muhahahahhaha. No sex unfortunetly. : D

Sleep, sleep, sleep and more sleep…maybe that explain why I am still awake at 1 in the morning. Nah, just finish off some of my work. Been slacking off all week

Anyway I was at Taipan, USJ last week to meet some of my friends. And I always try to avoid that place during peak hour. Why?

1) Stupid retard drivers
2) Stupid retard drivers , who double park without consideration
3) Stupid retard drivers, who don’t do indicator
4) Combination of item 1), 2) and 3). Kopi' O Lesen ( Black Coffee License i think ) : D

Why can’t people be more considerate when they double park? Oh, I forgot, coz they are f*ucking selfish and retard. I remember one incident in Taipan. You know how those road are build. There is enough space for one car to double park, either on the left or right side NOT both.

There is this idiot. Knowing there is another car which double park on the right hand side of the road, he proceed to double park his car on the left hand side of the road and leaving his conveniently park car there and proceed to do whatever. I don’t care. Is he a retard or what? Bloody ignorant, selfish, fuckup people.

I was nicely stuck in the car for a good 20 minutes in the SAME position coz only one car is allow to pass at anytime. Well, if that’s the only situation, that’s fine, I wouldn’t be stuck for long, but no, few meters ahead, another similar situation occur thus clogging up the traffic. After furious honking by few agitated drivers, one of the owner appear and remove his car.

Sigh. Those people. Inconsiderate, selfish, bastard and you wonder why road rage is a rampant here.

I think, even Gandhi wouldn’t stand those retard drivers. Put Gandhi on the road for a few hours, I m sure he will start clubbing those ignorant drivers with whatever things he can find in the car.

Currently Playing: Moon River – Frank Sinatra

p.s: The post have nothing to do with the title, lol : D. Seeeeee put the word sex all go clicking ..lol.. SEX sells baby....soory for being lame , am on drugs. excuse me

Hey there

2005-06-16T17:53:00.000+08:00

Hey there

Currently Playing : Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Youme

Priceless

2005-06-16T01:17:00.000+08:00

Seeing two close friend laughing and smiling tonight, priceless

Currently Playing : Lullaby to erle - Silje Nergaard

Dammit

2005-06-15T17:26:00.000+08:00

Dammit, I m out of cigarettes. I need one now badly..

Never Was and Never Will

2005-06-14T00:30:00.000+08:00

A long journey it is. I wasn’t even half way thru my life long journey. I looked back. There it was, my past which I am trying very hard to let go. I failed miserably, I fail to let go of my past. I am tired physically and mentally. I m tired, very tired. Exhausted, worn out, wash-out, depleted. I walked and walked and walked. Waltzing away.

Where am I heading to? I can’t see anything ahead of me. All I see is darkness. Where am I heading? Where am I going? What am I doing? What I want?

Am feeling very dejected now. Forlorn, melancholy.

I looked at the mirror. Who are you I asked?

No. My past is not a burden to me nor will it ever be a burden. Period. No argument. Never was and never will.

Yes, I m being a bastard here…contradicting myself. Hey, ever heard of schizophrenia? No? Google it then.

gute Nacht mein Freund

Currently Playing : Now We Are Free - Myleene Klass

Raining Cats and Dogs

2005-06-12T04:54:00.001+08:00

It is raining cats and dogs now. A relieved considering that the past few days have literally been hell. The hot weather is killing me…..

Rain….always bring the melancholic mood out of me. I would just stare at the window for a period of time…..Watching the rain dripping one by one on the window…..
Fill by emotions that I can’t explain. It hurts………

I will be writing less and less regarding on my emotions and my depression. Is not a closure in my life, but things are better kept by myself and not have people to worry about me. I don’t know when the old cheerio Nicholas will be back, but I promise I will inform when he is back.

It is 5 am now. I better hit the sack …..

Good night my pals.
Signing off

Currently Playing : Dentro Un Altro Si - IL Divo

Masterpiece

2005-06-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

Arrgghhh..still in the office at this hour… Spraying and touching up the mock up phone for tomorrow. Why do I even open my mouth and told them I can do it coz i m used to painting and touching up my models…(ehhh, toys models like gundam and planes , what are you all thinking ??? )

Fuck Fuck Fuck. Was out the whole day looking for a suitable colour.. Arrghh… fucking hell,
Spray one layer , then wait for 10mins . . .spray another layer, blah blah… I have no time to apply lacquer or primer. Bah…

Hhhmmm..maybe I should start building up my models again. I used to have planes and tanks but I threw them all away one day. . Wonder why? Now I got a few gundams sitting around.er..more like standing around …cost me around RM 1 k for all.. : P, if my parents ever found out how much it cost I m so dead……..

Maybe I will post up some picture later… I’ve been neglecting my babies…collecting dust..hahahhaa..my mom is so piss whenever she cleans my room…

Mom : Ehhh , u better stop buying those till you get a display case

Me : No money, display case expensive

Mom : Where all your money go ar?

Me : Escort Service

Mom : ………………… don’t want to talk to you

Another with Dad

Dad : How old are you ar? Still playing with toys

Me : 23 +

Dad : Then, still play with toys ar

Me : Then , stop treating me like a kid

Dad : ..

Well, pretty piss he was

Hahahahhaha

I am EVIL. Told ya I am not a nice guy…

Well, gtg , have to check on my masterpiece….. : D

Bah

2005-06-07T19:24:00.000+08:00

Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric
Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric Fucking Gastric

Bah, I am going home. Better pray no stupid fuck up Malaysian driver pisses me off, or I'll anal probe that fucker with my baseball bat.

Need a Vacation

2005-06-02T01:09:00.000+08:00

Right………
Right………
Right……….

Bah… I have no idea what to write…. I am damn pissed today…pissed is an understatement… I need a short break………. A vacation to somewhere, anywhere..

Well, I was supposed to attend my friend graduation in UK. My plan is to visit Sydney first. I miss that lousy place… : ). Then from Sydney fly to UK. Bah…
Busy busy .. so scrap the plan I had…

Sigh..i really need a short vacation…. Alone.. somewhere, anywhere
Suggestion? I was thinking somewhere near… S’pore, Phuket, or Bali..
Well my preferred choice is somewhere near the seaside. I need to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life…

My ideal holiday is by the seaside. Lazing around the beach, reading a book………..or stay in the hotel room and get pampered : P Just lazed around, doing nothing….just nothing..

My ideal vacations is just laze around and do nothing……..

Well, some of you might say why don’t you just stay at home and sleep , and do nothing…or just get a hotel in the city and just sleep till Monday..
Is different my friends….

I need a change, something new to perk me up…to recharge my backup battery.

It will be nice though, just you and your love one, don’t you think so?

Good night my friends..
Sleep tight

Congratulations!!

2005-05-27T01:13:00.000+08:00

Pulsating…incredible, amazing... Liverpool won the Champions League. Wow, what a match. As everyone knows I am a Manchester United fan, but then Liverpool, I salute thee. Excellent, heart warming performance from the players. Congratulations.

Sigh, I had a bad day at work today. But I guess I don’t want to dwell too much into that.

Was watching Alexander the other day. Yucks…suck big time. I usually enjoy watching movies like Kingdom of Heaven, King Arthur, Spartan, Spartacus, Gladiator, Memphis Belle, Battle of Britain , etc , etc , but Alexander………..er…I have no comment : P

Anyway, to the anonymous person that left me a comment, I just wanted to say thank you for the encouragement. It is very lovely and sweet. Thank you very much. Take care. I will strive on. Thank you mate.
Just curios , how did you stumble upon my blog : P

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take

Good night my friends. Sleep tight.

Thou shall not drink

2005-05-23T19:20:00.000+08:00

Thou shall not get wasted during weedays.. Ouch. I was blur the whole friday. : P
God knows how many panadol i had. Bluekz. Lets see, morning before work i had two, afte lunch i had two, um....tea break i had another one...then before dinner i had another one.. so in total 6 only wer , not alot wer...

I watched Star Wars III last Wednesday. Well, wouldnt fancy watching it again but i m watching it again on Sunday again!!! courtesy of DHL. Oh well, must give face mah...People give you tickets you reject not nice la... but it is on Sunday morning #$^&*() freaking 10.30 am...bah

Sigh...Public holiday , 7.15 pm and guess where i am now. OFFICE.. hur hur hur hur.... sad i know. Thank you for "kindness" . bohooohooooo... i want to go home...i can't...waiting for the software to be uploaded.. 60%, 61%, 62%.... bohooo hooo hooo ..bohoo.......
bah...i m going for a ciggy break.. Yes yes yes i know, i smoke too much.. Thank you very much...

Muhahhahahaa...alot ppl said i lost weight..hahahhaha...my aunt said i lost loads..and just the other day i went down to the sandwich place, the owner, who i havent seen for awhile asked " You lose weight lar...stress ar? " . I just smiled, yar...stress... so can i have a bigger portion today?hahahhaha
Nah i din lose any weight lar..still the same...

Anyway ciggy calling...hahahhahaha
Toodle doo

I am sorry

2005-05-12T13:14:00.000+08:00

Every night I dream of you,
The day you waltz into my life,
The day you light up my life
The day you taught me what love is

The day you waltz away
And you have move on
I see and feel you
That’s why I know

Life goes on
But love last an eternity
No matter how far apart
You’re always in my heart

I am sorry

The Waltz

2005-05-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

THE WALTZ

Strike up the band let it play
Love songs to haunt me and I will stay
But when it comes to a waltz
Both words and music will ring false
For you waltzed in
And spun my world
Around in dizzy dance
I swirled
But suddenly
You waltzed away from me

Those violins, they must go
So no careless hand with a bow
May play on the strings of my heart
And make me remember how lovers part

How you waltzed in
And spun my world
Around in dizzy dance
I swirled
But suddenly
You waltzed away from me

Strike up the band let it play
Whatever it chooses and I will say
Play me a waltz if you will
I'll sit here and listen waiting until

My love returns
To take my world
And spin it 'round
In dizzy swirl
Where girl loves boy
And boy loves girl
And feet don't touch the ground

- by Silje Nergaard

This song have been playing over and over in my head.

Nice melancholy song..

everytime i listen to the song, time just seem to stop.........

Life been fair enough, my depression is back ..oh well at least i m used to it...

but i am beginning to crak, some of frens seems to notice, but i shall soldier on...i am not going to burden anyone anymore..I promised someone that i will not have the commiting suicide tendecy thingy, so no worries.At least for now...

There is something that has been a burden in my heart for while and is not likely to go away, thus i dont need my friends to worry about me...thank you for your concern..i shall carry the burden with me alone, alone and no one else

I had a fun saturday night, though i wanted to get drunk but alas, i can't...maybe next time. It was my dear friend's birthday. Happy Belated Birthday Gal. Stay cool ! : )

Friday, i nearly had an accident again...sorry man, i dont mean to frighten you while you are happily crossing the road. i wasnt just focusing....maybe i am just tired of driving around KL for the past few days..

Oh well, is 2 am now, i better get some sleep. There is more driving tomorrow...sigh

Toodle Doo

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

2005-05-05T19:55:00.000+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongdoing.
It does not delight in evil,
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever:
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them all is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

You dont know me

2005-05-05T02:30:00.000+08:00

Why do ppl act like they know you best? I know is for good faith but i m tired of hearing the same thing everyday. I am on the verge of breakdown, please dont make it worse for me. I am sorry..

But asking me to keep myself occupied doesnt solve a thing. I work till late night everyday, i work on the weekends, i am keeping myself very occupied.

But it wouldn't help laaaaaaaaaa...... u will think when you are driving, when you are eating n crap..

talking about driving...ya shouldn't think..focus....dangerous leh...i nearly had an accident - ok
numerous lar.... christ, i ran over the kerb at my office parking lot the other day..poor car..not a small tiny kerb but a hug kerb $%^!&XX%^^ hell....why they build such a big kerb.. haiii
need to hantar my car to workshop to check on the tyre and suspension...

So yes i m keeping myself very busy. and yes i still will find time to go out with my friends. i did not fucking neglect my friends alright. Don't act like you know. I fucking meet my frens for dinner n drink even though i need to go back to my office later n work till wee hours. I could choose to neglect them n work but i don;t alright!! so Fuck off..i call n sms them if i need too even i have to sacrifice my sleep....so please understand.

I am sorry ..... is 2.30 am n i fucking fagging n beer
Now i m having headache and gastric...bah

..........
Dead man walking

Dying

2005-05-01T16:20:00.000+08:00

sigh...i think i smoke way too much, i drink way too much, taking too much panadol, gastric, heartburn pills.......i think i m going to die before i even reach 30. i m not getting any sleep. i can't sleep ...aarrghhh...rolling all over the bed!!!!!!!usually i just get like 2 hrs of sleep before daybreak...sigh.

i thought i can move on..i guess not, i havent..............

I need to smoke...bye

Can't drive for F**ks

2005-04-22T13:06:00.000+08:00

Aaarrgghhhhh......... Malaysian's drivers are fuck...can't drive for nuts

We can't make up our mind which lane to use

We don't have the decency to use the indicator

We love the brakes. We brake for no apparent reasons. Tekan , tekan , tekan.. brake or accelerator.. tekan saja...

We are kepoh. Bloody hell; don’t slow down all of the sudden because you wanted to the catch a glimpse at the number so you can buy your 4d number.

We love the ass…We love to tailgate the car so close that we can feel the warmth coming out from the ass. We get orgasm doing that.

Trucks/bas/taxi drivers are ex-F1 drivers

70% of the motorcyclist think they are Alex Barros or Rossi

Bah..i have more but i am lazy.. going for lunch. n i wonder why Alex Yoong failed

Miserable prawns

2005-04-20T01:33:00.000+08:00

There are so many things in my mind that i wanted to blog about. Get it out of the systems, but i am dead tired. Maybe next time. So this is going to be a short one.

Well, i met up with some of my ex uni/hse mates for dinner today at this place called Oh! Sushi in Midvalley. It is an enjoyable evening minus the food though..... uugghhh...arrgghh..:p
Bloody something cheese. A few miserable prawns n squids covered with cheese... Biaaattcchh...no even a miso soup or rice. What kind of teppayaki is this!!! -_-"

When my friend excused himself to the loo, my food is not even here yet and by the time he got back , i m done with my meal...he was like -_-".

bah. Nitez

Aunt Flo

2005-04-14T21:02:00.000+08:00

Been a while since i last wrote something. About a month ago, someone from church called me.

Aunt C : Hi, Nicholas, how are you?

Me : Hi, Auntie C, how are you? I am fine, but busy with my work.

Aunt C : Nicholas, i got something to tell you. Aunt Florence , she just passed away this morning/last nite.

Me : ............... (trying very hard to hold back my tears, in the office)

Aunt C : From cancer. I know that you are very close to her. She is in a better place now.

Me : ......sobbing ( is sad ok!!!!). How is Uncle David? Is he alright?

Aunt C : He is alright....

Something like that...i dont really remember cause i was too stunned. After that called , i went straight to the staircase and started..well..sobbing. I was really really stunned n i totally went blank.

I knew Aunt Florence when i was in Sydney. She took good care of me every Sunday for 2 years. Always porvides me with lunch and asking how am i doing. I remember the 1st time i met here. She was this old lady in her late 80s. Fragile but she has one of the most beautiful smile i ever seen.

There she was asking me , how is sdyney, where am i staying...join uncle david and her for lunch. Wow..her cooking is good. I miss her cooking soooo much. Shepard pie, peach curry, meatballs, chocolate cake.......

For the 2 years i had lunch with her and uncle david and karen every sunday if i attend the church. If i was not there , she will call me asking how am i . . i miss her sweet warm smile. I found my tranquility every sunday, going to church from 10am to 4 pm.

The news came as a shock to me. I never had someone close to me passed away. I don't know what to do. I called my mom telling her that Aunt Florence passed away. She wasnt really concern about that news. I was pretty upset with that. My mind was screaming at her.

WHY CANT YOU SHOW SOME CONCERN OVER IT. SHE TOOK GOOD CARE OF ME FOR BLOODY TWO YEARS. I MISS HER LIKE CRAP OK.

I was upset when i went home. Almost scream at my mom, but decided to just storm into my room.

I miss Aunt Florence, I miss her cooking, I miss her warm smile, I miss the way she cares for me. I miss her so much.

But at least i know that God had called her home. She is in a better place now.

Aunt Flo : How are you , Nicholas? We missed you in church.

Me : I am good. Just wasn't feeling to well yesterday.

Aunt Flo : You should take care of yourself and rest more.

Me : I will. Thank you Aunt Flo.

............ i miss her

Down Right F**K

2005-02-14T03:33:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling very down at the moment. Very. I just don't know how long can i take this. Gosh i hate my life. Nothing seems to be going right. My career, life, everything. And it is freakin 3 am and i can't sleep. I need to work tomorrow. Arrgghh

And if you cant stand me bitching about i, stop reading and fuck off, this is my world. I can write whatever i like.

Why? I wonder why at time.. Why me? What the fuck did i do in my life to deserve this. Ok..fine.. 6 billions people..all of them got their problems, some worse than me and i should be grateful.. but then i dont give a fuck about theirs problem and they dont give a fuck about me, dont they. So i can bitch all i want.

I need to find a new direction. I just need to get the hell out of the mess now. I need to do something drastic. But i have my family to think about. Constraint to think about.. Arrghh.....FUCK LIFE .... i just wannt to go back to Sydney........ i miss the life there.

oh..HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR by the way. Well judging from what i been thru lately , i dont think this will be a happy year for me at least. Getting worse day by day.

Fucking hell... all i can think at the moment is to curse.. . . FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I am fucking tired with my life. I just want to run away. But then running away doesn't solve any fucking thing. But i kept hitting a dead end. Maybe i should try harder.

What the fuck lar...i just want to end my life..but then taking my own life is a sin. ANd i don;t want to screw up ppl life for what i did.

What the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!!!! Arrghhh ..everybody have problems , so what is wrong with me. Just solve the fucking problem and get on with life. Ha i wish it was that simple.

Ok. Here is the list that i should do :-

1) Slove my fucking problems
2) Fuck everyone. Fuck off!!
3) Get my fucking degree in History or Political Science
4) KILL MYSLEF
5) Make myself happy (yeah right)
6)Get everyone off my back
7) Stop cursing
8) FUCK
9) Get myself drunk
10) SLEEP!

I dont even know what the hell am i writting now. I can't think straight. Maybe i should go sky diving n pretend that the parachute fail to function. Ha maybe i should. Or maybe i should just take the bible and read. Been a while since i last read the Bible. Faith......Have faith my son. Bullock. Total bullock. Faith........i loathe faith. What do i gain from having faith? Seeing my life turn upside down. Thats what i gain. FUCK it.

Winston Churchill.. sigh.. i admire him. Well, for starter, he is a fighter, not like me...only know how to bitch about my life. How bad is my life...

He took over as the PM of England in the 1940s when his country was in grave danger. Hitler is crushing everything that stand in his way. France..oh the mighty French's army was crush. Only Britian stand alone against the might of the German's war machine. The crushing defeat in Dunkirk. Britian was in crisis. argghhh fuck history.

FUCK life

HHHmmm......oh i was stopped by the police the other night. :P hahahaha...

Nitez . Hhmm...where is my chivas?

ps: Sorry for the beautiful language used today. Oh Happy Valentine's Day too. :D

2004-12-28T17:03:00.000+08:00

"Najib also said the Government would give RM1,000 each to families who had lost their loved ones and RM200 each to those who sustained injuries. Families who had to evacuate would get RM200 each and the aid would be paid out immediately. "

RM 1,000.00 . . . . . . . One bloody thousand dollars to families that lost their loved ones..One bloody thousand dollars.. what the hell they going to do with one thousand ringgits? Some of the families lost their loved one that provide sole income. What the hell they going to do with one fucking thousand dollars? I know that is not the government problems, is act of God but heck one thousand dollars.. We are not poor, KLIA, Twin Tower.........what the heck those people going to do with one thousand dollars?? No matter how much we pay , we wouldnt be able to compensate the lost of their loved one... but at least a realistic figure to help them to get back on track............Ok maybe i am not qualified to question it. Who am I anyway ..no one...........

My heart

2004-12-05T19:15:00.000+08:00

The thing is that i gave my heart away and i have never gotten it back and i think i'll never will get it back. Worth it or not is something i don't care. I chose. That's all it matters. Sorry.

I wish her all the best in her life.

Father Lord, please bless the one i love and protect her and guide her. Let her live in the life she deserve in happiness. I pray in the name of Lord Jesus Christ.Amen

-n-

Psalm 23: 1-4

2004-12-04T13:50:00.000+08:00

"The Lord is my shepherd,I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures;He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul;He guides me in the paths of righteousness .For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me;Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23: 1-4

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.

2004-11-22T01:46:00.000+08:00

You are the pilot.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

Knockin' on Heaven's Door

2004-11-17T23:52:00.000+08:00

Bad day today. Wouldnt called it bad but not good either. Was asked to go KLCC for job related purposes. I was very reluctant to go KLCC for certain reason. I havent been there for a while and i dont really want to be there. But heck what to do....... duty calls. So i went to KLCC with my colleague. Jeez... was there for nearly 2hrs. Might as well just kill me. I was like faster faster ...get the things done soon so i can get the hell out of there. Maybe i still need time. Plenty of it. Just hurt so much when i was there today.

And when i got back to the office later in the evening i chatted with her online. I was really ucomfortable. Been a while since i last chatted with her. Honestly i was happy but in the same t ime tears start rolling from my eyes. Gosh it hurts so much. I am not fine but i have to look fine while cahhting with here. It hurts so much God. Well at least she is getting a job in Singapore like she always wanted to. Finally she can settle down which i am very happy for her. Been praying everyday for all her uncertainties to go away. Thank you Father. As me for I am very happy for her, as long as she smiles.. i will be fine. Thats what kept me going and going........ It hurts so much but i will stay to see her smiles and always pray for her. I am sorry i hurt you so much

Knockin' on Heaven's Door......sigh..this song kept playing in my mind. But kinda like the song very much. Ahhhhh i crap loads ....

Good night. Dont let the bed bug bites.

Love

2004-11-16T21:25:00.000+08:00

Do i still love her after all these? After 2 months? Yes i still do. Love her more than anything else.

Amen

2004-11-16T19:26:00.000+08:00

God. Father Lord. Please bless the one i loved most and let her live in the the life she deserve in happiness. Thank you Father Lord. Amen.

Praying every morning and night for her is what thats kept me going in my life..........

Christmas Eve

2004-11-05T01:26:00.000+08:00

Here is one of my favourite poem from Calvin and Hobbes which is my favourite comic strips :-

On window panes, the icy frost
Leaves feathered patterns, crissed & crossed,
But in our house the christmas tree
Is decorated festively
With tiny dots of colored light
That cozy up this winter night.
Christmas songs, familiar, slow,
Play softly on the radio.
Pops and isses from the fire
Whistle with the bells and choir.

My tiger is now fast asleep
On his back and dreaming deep.
When te fire makes him hot,
He turns to warm whatever's not.
Propped against him on the rug,
I give my friend a gentle hug.
Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
But I can wait a little more.

My Grown Up Christmas List

2004-10-29T18:21:00.000+08:00

Do you remember me?

I sat upon your knee

I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown-up now

Can you still help somehow?

I'm not a child, but my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish

My grown-up Christmas list

Not for myself, but for a world in need

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Every man would have a friend

That right would always win

And love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?

Maybe only in that blind belief can we ever find the truth

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal our hearts

Every man would have a friend

That right would always win

And love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

This is my only lifelong wish

This is my grown-up Christmas list

Faith

2004-10-28T18:26:00.000+08:00

I am losing faith in everything. . I don't know how long i can last. Father, please bless me with strength and guide me. I am really losing it.

Thank you

2004-10-28T11:25:00.000+08:00

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile,

the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

*Dedicated to someone special*

Thank you for the memories

Darfur

2004-10-26T13:07:00.000+08:00

Darfur....another classic case where the international community failed. Sigh.....hope this dont turn into another Rwanda, where one of the worst genocide in human history took place. *gulp* where 800,000 people was killed. That was like what, 10 years ago??.. That time the international community said "Never Again" but look at Darfur, Sudan. 70,000 died, 1.5 million people displaced. What else the international community need before they act? More n more people being killed? International community is more focus on Iraq, US general election but not Darfur? Why is that? 70,000 people for christ sake! 70,000 people died !!!!!! How many innocent people need to be buried before the international community act? Sigh... the world is becoming a miserable place to be.

I am miserable...I miss her so much..I think i better go n rest. Been a tiring day at work. Oh yar, something nice did happen yesterday night. MAN U WON!!!!!!!!!!!! :P. They beat Arsenal 2-0. Well i got to admit that Mike Riely did help abit but to say Arsenal was a better team i disagree with Arsene Wenger. Wayne Rooney diving? huh.. i guess he must had learned that from Pires. Oh come on Arsenal, dont be such a bad loser. Yes we did won with some help, but we did not complain when Ashely Cole chop down Ronaldo in the penalty box. Or Toure theatrical dive in the box . Ok i am being biased towards Man U..heck I am a Man U supporter since i was a child..so who cares what people says. Bluekz.....Toodle Doo

Yankees lost

2004-10-22T13:18:00.000+08:00

aarrghhh..New York Yankees lost.........Boston Red Sox beat them 10-3 in Game 7. Sigh... Yankees lost 4-3 in the 7 game series. I can't believed it after leading 3-0 in the American League Championship Series. Worse they lost the last game at the Yankees Stadium. Home ground . :( . There goes the World Series for Yankees.. Sigh. Man Utd is not doing pretty well either. Nothing is going well for me either. My teams kept losing. Well, got to salute Red Sox though. and of course Arsenal. Keep my finger cross.Hope Man Utd will beat Arsenal this Sunday. Pray pray. Oh well, at least erm.erm....couldnt think of a team i support that is doing well..., maybe i should stop supporting them..lol. Then maybe they will do well. I am a jinx to anyone that stayed close to me. STAY AWAY!!!. Jeezz, been a tiring day and tomorrow could be worse..........Life is sooooooooo "FUN". Anyway currently listening to Lucia Micarelli. She is pretty good with the violin. :) Sort of cheer me up. Ok..she did not. Sigh. Oh yar...go watch Wimbeldon if they are showing in M'sia...erm watched it in Sydney. I like that movie. :) Oh well i m a sucker in British comedy..:P will always be bias towards towards it. I absolutely love Snatch. Brilliant movie. By Guy Ritchie. Starring Brad Pitt and Vinnie Jones.. Cool movie.
Anyway my blog been depressing, so i hope to write something happy soon though i don't see that in a forseeable future but i have wonderful friends and family. I am thankful for that. Good Night. Toodle Doo

Suck

2004-10-21T06:30:00.000+08:00

I got tons of work...but i have no moood to touch it at all. I think my depression is back. I was crap this morning. I woke up feeling like crap. I hate this........!!!!!!!! I am just a normal human...Sometimes i think i m losing my faith.....

Agony

2004-10-19T14:07:00.000+08:00

Ever felt so lost that you don't know what you are doing? I do. I have no idea what am i doing with my life. Well i used to have a direction, but now i am lost. I just don't know anything. I just want to run to some island and not be bother by anything. Alone. . . just alone. . . I need a break from civilization. . . But honestly i know i am lost and i know where the answer lays. But i dont have the courage to move on. The agony i am having now hurts like hell. It hurts so much. I am so tired. . . . . .Well it is better this way than having her comforting me and worried about me. I guess making her hate me was correct. I wouldnt say correct but i experience the agony of seeing someone you loved suffer. It hurts so much. I don;t want her to experience what i been thru. I don't want her to be there when i need someone , i dont want to see her worried about me. There are so many things in her life. . I am the last thing she needs. I mean ok, maybe she doesnt think that way but still i know if we remains as friend, both of us will suffer. I know i can;t recover nor loved in forseeable future, i dont want her to be drag back by this. Oh what the heck, who cares. . . i don't care..i am just freaking tired with my job n life...

Hugs

2004-10-18T11:16:00.000+08:00

I never told my parents how much i love them. They are the most perfect parents. I couldn't have asked for a better parents. And i never told/show them how much i appreciate them. Sometime i just want to hug my mom after i am back from work. But heck, my mom will think i am weird. AND QUESTION will start flying in. What happen? Are you alright? Oh well...i think hug is addictive. I love to hug people. Just a simple way to show much you appreciate them. Hug is comforting. Alas but to some hugging is so foreign. Eeee... you are so gay n stuffs. Inappropiate and stuffs. Oh well but i think hugging is a form of medcine. A simple hug from a fren will cheer you up when you are down. Kinda comforting. But of course dont go hugging everyone you know lar.. thats too much.. i miss sydney :(

Tired

2004-10-09T02:41:00.000+08:00

Sigh. . . . I am so tired. Both mentally and physically. I just want to rest in peace. Tried that twice but failed. Guess God still want me to live. But i am just so tired.. . ...

Whatever

2004-10-09T01:40:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Sydney last week. Fairly an enjoyable trip for me. I am not too sure about that for my parents. I've been a bad tour guide. =P. Gosh i miss that lousy place. Love the weather there. Absolute brilliant. Eventhough it had been a short trip, i did manage to catch up with some of my good friends. Miss the time when we had to camp in the university for 24 hours to finished up our assignment. That's tiring but fun. Well my life have been in a mess lately. Real mess.But I learnt something. Life is always beautiful no matter how crap it is. I lost someone very special weeks ago. . She will always be someone speacial to me regardless what happen. I am sorry sweets.

Nothing

2004-10-07T16:06:00.000+08:00

Blog....hhmmm..........